This blog post has taken me awhile to write. Solely because, the panic attack scared the absolute life out of me. I had never been in this situation before. I thought I had panic attacks in the past, clearly I was mistaken.
I don't like talking about it, I don't want to write about it and I don't want to share this story, I just want to forget it ever happened.
However, that is not what The Unsocial Butterfly is about. I am here to share my story in the hope that I can help someone else and encourage others to share there experience with Mental Health issues.
So, here goes..... THE PANIC ATTACK!
It was a normal day in Northern Ireland - Raining! I had left my first job and was heading to my second job, probably around a 30 minute drive. I had been driving this route every Friday for the past 5 years. I was very familiar with the drive but as my anxiety got the better of me, every Friday, I would dread the drive to my second job. My heart would pound as I walked to the car, I would shake and felt physically sick, but I knew I had to go. Nothing had ever happened before, so why would today be different?
At this time, I was driving a Mini Cooper. I loved that car so much but she was old and I didn't feel too safe behind the wheel anymore. Partly because the car was old but anxiety encouraged the unsafe feeling more than the actual cars abilities. I always thought other drivers on the road were superior to me because of the car I drove, which I know is ridiculous! That is just how I felt.
I got in my car and started to drive, all was going well until I reached the dual carriage way. This dual carriage way was notorious for accidents. I had never seen one or even be in one but I always had that feeling that I was going to be in one on that road.
I moved to the outside lane to take over a tractor which was on the inside lane, the cars behind me followed suit. As I had taken over the tractor, I was unable to return to the inside lane, so I continued on the outside lane. Next thing, a lorry with a large trailer, starts to move into my lane. I had to SLAM on my breaks, my car skidded, as did the cars behind me. The lorry continued into my lane and drove on as if nothing had happened. I was incredibly lucky that no one was injured that day!
I tried to continue my journey but I felt my heart race, my whole body started to shut down. I had to pull into the hard shoulder to compose myself.
I kept repeating 'I am ok, no one was hurt' over and over again. It did not help. I lost control. I couldn't breath, I just sat there in my car, crying, shaking, unable to breath and telling myself that I was ok and no one was hurt. I was overheating, I had cold sweats and thought I was going to be sick!
After 10 minutes, with still no sign of my body returning to normal, I did what any grown up woman would do and I phoned my mum. I just needed her to tell me that I was alright.
Bless her, she told me everything is fine, I was safe. She then asked where I was and immediately got into the car to come and get me. I can't describe how thankful I was to see my mum and dad pull up behind me on the road. I knew I wouldn't be able to drive on. I could not stop shaking.
My dad got into my car and tried to help me calm down, they even brought me a hot cup of sweet tea to help.
In the end, there was absolutely NO WAY I was driving my car again. My dad drove my car back to my house and I got into my mums car and travelled with her.
I will never forget that day, even writing about it now is tough. My parents really came through for me that and I will forever be thankful to them for that.
Looking back, I do know that the panic attack came from anxiety. I have dealt with stupid drivers many times. Normally, I just give off and drive on but this time, my whole body went into panic mode and the safest thing for me to do there and then, was pull over to a safe space and try to regulate my breathing to help me calm.
This was a horrible experience, it was during my first few weeks of CBT. I was still learning how to deal with it all and how to add the exercises provided into my daily routine. So I was on high alert to begin with.
Anxiety really does sneak up on you.
After that experience, I made sure to get into my car the next day and drive around to make sure I did not let the fear take over (I was instructed to do this by my dad). It was great advise, as I would not have driven anywhere until going to work on the Monday and it would have been horrendous (you know what rush hour is like!) So many stupid drivers!!!
I am pleased to say that I have not had another panic attack as severe again since and I do put that down to the work I do on myself every day. Going back to my rationalisation and my worry time really do help.
If you need think that you or someone close to you needs professional help, click here.
Until Next Time,
The Unsocial Butterfly